Very Naughty Nursery rhymes

Rhymes, Songs, spoofs etc…
Stuff that they would never teach you in school….unless of course…your’e in Chittyville!!!

Most of these rhymes have been compiled from email forwards, a few of them have been composed by yours truly 😀

Updated in Dec 2008!

Mary had a little lamb
It had a touch of colic
She gave it brandy everyday
And now it’s alcoholic!

Mary had a little lamb
It’s fleece was white and whispy.
Then it caught Foot and Mouth Disease
And now its black and crispy.

Mary had a little lamb,
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two chunks of bread!

Mary had a little lamb,
It ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up its ass
And turned its wool to nylon.

Mary had a little lamb,
It leapt around in hops.
It frolicked on the road one day
And finished up as chops.

Jack and Jill went up a hill
To fetch a pail of water,
God knows what they did up there
They came back with a daughter.

Jack and Jill went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass and grabbed her ass.
Now two of his teeth are missing.

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To smoke a lil leaf,
Jack got high opened his fly
And Jill said “Where’s the beef?!”

Jack and Jill went up the hill
For just an itty bitty.
Jill’s now two months overdue
And Jack has left the city.

Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
Her clothes all tattered and torn.
It wasn’t the spider that crept up beside her,
But Little Boy Blue and his horn.

Georgie Porgy pudding and pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too, coz he was gay.

Old Mother Hubbard,
Went to the cupboard,
To fetch her poor dog a bone.
When she bent over,
Rover took over,
And gave her a bone of his own.

The queen of hearts, she made some tarts
All on a summer’s day.
The knave of hearts, he stole those tarts
And ate them all away.
The queen of hearts, woke up with a start
And chased the knave at bay;
But the knave of hearts gave out a fart
And killed the queen right-away.

Little Boy Blew.
Hey! He needed the money too.

Little birdie flying high,
Dropped a message from the sky
‘Oh’, said the farmer wiping his eye,
‘Isn’t it lucky cows don’t fly?’

Hickory Dickory dock
Three mice ran up the clock
The clock struck one –
and the other two ran away with minor injuries.

Row row row your boat
Gently down the stream
Push your teacher overboard
Then you’ll hear her scream.

Roll roll roll a joint
Twist it at the ends
Light it up and take a puff
And pass it to your friends

I love drugs, drugs love me.
Cocaine, crack and ecstacy.
With a sniff sniff here, and a sniff sniff there
Now I’m in intensive care

I love you, you love me.
Everybody thinks we’re just good friends,
They don’t know were lesbians.

Here comes the bride – sixty inches wide
Look at her how she wobbles up the centre aisle.
Here comes the groom – biting his nails in gloom,
He’s looking as thin as a rolling pin and never again will he smile.

There was a little girl,
Who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead…
And when she was good,
She was very very good,
But when she was bad
She got a fur coat, jewels, a Waterfront condo and a sports car.

This one’s my all time favourite. Nelson sings it to Lisa in ‘The Simpsons’

Joy to the world
The teacher’s dead
We barbecued her head.
What happened to her body
We flushed it down the potty
And round and round it goes
And round and round it goes
And roooooouuund and roound and round it goes!!

11 Responses to “Very Naughty Nursery rhymes”

  1. Trauma Queen Says:

    u got a it!how did you like this compilation? – blogpost author

  2. autogato Says:

    Oh my! I have been going through your archives and enjoying them! This one is particularly interesting! I like these naughy nursery rhymes. So naughty, so fun!

  3. Ameet Says:

    These are really funny. Thanks for the link!

  4. Anonymous Says:

    how about;roll roll roll a jointtwist it at the endslight it upand take a puffand pass it to your friends

  5. Chitty Cat Says:

    hey anon commenterthat’s nice! have added 🙂

  6. Anonymous Says:

    I love drugs.drugs love me.cocane, crack and ecstacy.with a sniff sniff here,and a sniff sniff there,now im in intensive care :]

  7. Anonymous Says:

    🙂 nice blog…

  8. plain jane Says:

    this is good stuff!! hilarious..

  9. Anonymous Says:

    jack and jill went up the hill to smoke a lil leaf, opened his fly and jill said where is beef?!

  10. Anonymous Says:

    sorry jack and jill went up the hill to smoke a lil leaf, jack got high opened his fly and jill said Wheres the Beef?!

  11. fungus Says:

    OMG! I fell off my chair xD !

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