Why being married is so annoying

Women in India get to hear a lot of crap every now and then. Married Indian women, are almost always made to listen to senseless crap that they are expected to comprehend AND agree with.  Comments ranging from why you looks a certain way, talk a certain way, dress (or not dress) a certain way, walk a certain way, fart a certain way – the scrutiny never ends! And considering I was super-paranoid of the idea of getting hitched, there are days the shitload of this senseless crap is enough to drive me clinically insane.

One of the most the ridiculous conversations I have had as married woman went something like this. I choose to keep this blogpost light-hearted so I shall stick to the ridiculous aspects of the senseless crap more than the serious ones.

Random Person (much younger than me) I met for the first time: “You don’t look married.”
Me: “Really? So what do married people ‘look’ like?”
RP: “You know, they look more responsible.”
Me: “You have just met me and you’re suggesting I’m irresponsible?”
RP: “No No, I am sure you are responsible work-wise, but I meant looking responsible family-wise.”

And to make matters worse, as if being married did not invite silly statements like the one above, there is this GINORMOUS expectation of producing babies – sometimes as soon a month of married life is up. No really, ma kasam, I am serious!

Here is a list of statements that have got me an “Are you in the family way?” reaction. Do you have anything to add to this list? Or am I the only unfortunate soul who gets such reactions?

  1. I’m nauseous (it could be bad food or bad ventilation…but noo)
  2. I’m really hungry (because I’m really hungry and nothing else!)
  3. I feel like eating a raw mango (because it’s yummy..duh!)
  4. I feel like eating a chocolate chip cookie (raw mango I get..what is the connection with cookies?!?!)
  5. I was unwell and took a few days off (swine flu, typhoid, malaria….but nooo)
  6. My back hurts (long hours on the comp…but nooo)
  7. My feet hurt (well they generally do)
  8. I have news to share (and no it is not “good news” :P)

And if a married woman throws up, even if she clearly states she is suffering from a gastric infection, there will still be someone who will ask her, “Are you in the family way?” 😛

YAAAAAAAAARGH! Kill me someone! Here I thought the person I was married to would drive me insane – who knew it would be everyone else instead?!?!

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If the title did not do enough to conjure an utterly gross image in your head, listen to this story:

A neighbour of mine – a fairly healthy man with no medical problems, was happily minding his own business when he suddenly had convulsive fits. He was rushed to the hospital and no one had any clue as to what was going on. After conducting MRI’s and CT scans and what nots – they found out the source for his troubles – a tapeworm lodged in his brain.

This man is a vegetarian, (so much for pork being the only source of tapeworm.) I’m so scared now – I had really nasty cramps last week. And now this! What if he was hiking or driving? What kind of veggies are they selling in my area? Are they really growing it in sewage water? I’m so terribly freaked out by these wormy tales I feel disgusted at the sight of vegetables now – n that’s super sad cos I’m a skinny vegetarian 😦

So much for signing a ‘worm peace’ pact with the critters. I don’t believe we can ever be friends. I truly feel like I’m living out an episode from the X-Files. I have got myself dewormed but I’m still maha freaked out. So if u don’t find me blogging or posting lousy comments on your blogs, you may safely assume I am having convulsive fits…

In other not-so-depressing news, I find myself afflicted by another worm – a earworm. Every time I need to speak to a team in Philippines – I have that song ‘Bebot’ playing in me head. It’s terribly distracting sige, and horribly annoying – sige.

What next? Ringworm?

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Anthropologically speaking

What is the process of mate selection among humans?

Does the guy choose or does the girl choose or is it mutual??? I think unlike all other species, among humans it’s the male who chooses his mate. While peacocks and male robins and lions are gifted with features that make them attractive, among humans it’s the female who has to preen and prettify herself so that she can attract a suitable mate, despite the fact that it is the female who is sought after….

And while among all animal species it’s the female who chooses her mate, chooses when she wants to mate, and who typically chooses none other than the alpha male – it seems to be completely opposite with humans. The dowry system proves that its a matter of honor and prestige for the female to be chosen… and I guess the more ‘endowed’ she is (pun intended), the greater are her chances of being selected.

So is it really a mutual thing??

Is there a concept of an alpha female among humans??? I guess not…why was she dragged from caves by her hair..is it cos there is no concept of ‘consent’ in human mating? You mean to say she preens herself to attract the male but then has no say as to whether she is ready to mate or not?? (as against lions, tigers, even iguanas) Is it the same with chimps and gorillas, our distant cousins?? Or does she make herself attractive to show that she is ready to mate??

Or is female preening an after-effect of civilization???

What about an alpha male…is James Bond an alpha male? Does the perfect combination of power, prestige and money make a man an alpha male??? Is that why he gets all the girls???

I’m extremely confused and I guess watching discovery channel and bond movies will only confuse me more.