How to bake an accidental brownie

Ingredients required:
1. All the ingredients needed to bake a chocolate cake
2. Oil​ or butter
3. A squirrel, preferably one that is alive

Method:
1. Plan to bake a cake. Mix and whisk all the ingredients except the oil or butter.
2. Just before you preheat the oven, make sure a squirrel enters the kitchen
3. Panic and run out of the kitchen. Hide in the safety of your bedroom till the squirrel goes away, or find a brave soul to shoo it away. This usually takes about 2 hours, especially if the squirrel is as scared as you are.
4. Preheat the oven once your kitchen is safe to enter. Start to bake the cake at 180 degrees for 40 minutes. Forget to add oil.
5. 20 mins later, the cake will start to rise. Pull the cake out, squash it up and add oil.
6. Bake for 20 mins at 180 and another 10 mins at 150. Say a prayer.
7. Once the timer goes off, let it cool.
8. Voila! You have the best tasting brownies – crunchy outside n gooey inside, and a squirrel that has hopefully made its way home!

And an opportunity to share a ‘baking bad’ joke on facebook :p

Why being married is so annoying

Women in India get to hear a lot of crap every now and then. Married Indian women, are almost always made to listen to senseless crap that they are expected to comprehend AND agree with.  Comments ranging from why you looks a certain way, talk a certain way, dress (or not dress) a certain way, walk a certain way, fart a certain way – the scrutiny never ends! And considering I was super-paranoid of the idea of getting hitched, there are days the shitload of this senseless crap is enough to drive me clinically insane.

One of the most the ridiculous conversations I have had as married woman went something like this. I choose to keep this blogpost light-hearted so I shall stick to the ridiculous aspects of the senseless crap more than the serious ones.

Random Person (much younger than me) I met for the first time: “You don’t look married.”
Me: “Really? So what do married people ‘look’ like?”
RP: “You know, they look more responsible.”
Me: “You have just met me and you’re suggesting I’m irresponsible?”
RP: “No No, I am sure you are responsible work-wise, but I meant looking responsible family-wise.”

And to make matters worse, as if being married did not invite silly statements like the one above, there is this GINORMOUS expectation of producing babies – sometimes as soon a month of married life is up. No really, ma kasam, I am serious!

Here is a list of statements that have got me an “Are you in the family way?” reaction. Do you have anything to add to this list? Or am I the only unfortunate soul who gets such reactions?

  1. I’m nauseous (it could be bad food or bad ventilation…but noo)
  2. I’m really hungry (because I’m really hungry and nothing else!)
  3. I feel like eating a raw mango (because it’s yummy..duh!)
  4. I feel like eating a chocolate chip cookie (raw mango I get..what is the connection with cookies?!?!)
  5. I was unwell and took a few days off (swine flu, typhoid, malaria….but nooo)
  6. My back hurts (long hours on the comp…but nooo)
  7. My feet hurt (well they generally do)
  8. I have news to share (and no it is not “good news” :P)

And if a married woman throws up, even if she clearly states she is suffering from a gastric infection, there will still be someone who will ask her, “Are you in the family way?” 😛

YAAAAAAAAARGH! Kill me someone! Here I thought the person I was married to would drive me insane – who knew it would be everyone else instead?!?!

The Flu Blues

I am flu-ed and feel rather phlegm-atic today! Aachoo! I also realised I come up with some really awful jokes (and great work ideas) when I feel this way…

Can someone please tell me where the swine flew to? It is annoying to hear the whole world speak in incomplete sentences.

Ill Bill: A new movie starring Uma Thurman and a flying pig, and how she gets an H1N1 visa to heaven.

Would an epidemic be a pandemic of epic proportions? Or is a pandemic a situation where the entire nation feels as hot as a frying pan?

Pimples and acne affect almost everyone. It is high time the WHO considered it an epidermic.

If you are fluent in Tamil – can you be called a Tamilflu?

What should you use to cure the swine flu? Oinkment (Thanks for this one Aunty!)

It’s a pity they cannot use Tamiflu to combat the Tamil Flu which is affecting Sri Lanka 😛

The swine flu and global economic recession have caused a recession of another kind – hairlines!

Off to bed now! Clearly, the fever is affecting my funny bone. Hmm, that explains why a flu-induced body ache hurts the bones!

Wormicelli

If the title did not do enough to conjure an utterly gross image in your head, listen to this story:

A neighbour of mine – a fairly healthy man with no medical problems, was happily minding his own business when he suddenly had convulsive fits. He was rushed to the hospital and no one had any clue as to what was going on. After conducting MRI’s and CT scans and what nots – they found out the source for his troubles – a tapeworm lodged in his brain.

This man is a vegetarian, (so much for pork being the only source of tapeworm.) I’m so scared now – I had really nasty cramps last week. And now this! What if he was hiking or driving? What kind of veggies are they selling in my area? Are they really growing it in sewage water? I’m so terribly freaked out by these wormy tales I feel disgusted at the sight of vegetables now – n that’s super sad cos I’m a skinny vegetarian 😦

So much for signing a ‘worm peace’ pact with the critters. I don’t believe we can ever be friends. I truly feel like I’m living out an episode from the X-Files. I have got myself dewormed but I’m still maha freaked out. So if u don’t find me blogging or posting lousy comments on your blogs, you may safely assume I am having convulsive fits…

In other not-so-depressing news, I find myself afflicted by another worm – a earworm. Every time I need to speak to a team in Philippines – I have that song ‘Bebot’ playing in me head. It’s terribly distracting sige, and horribly annoying – sige.

What next? Ringworm?

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