Why being married is so annoying

Women in India get to hear a lot of crap every now and then. Married Indian women, are almost always made to listen to senseless crap that they are expected to comprehend AND agree with.  Comments ranging from why you looks a certain way, talk a certain way, dress (or not dress) a certain way, walk a certain way, fart a certain way – the scrutiny never ends! And considering I was super-paranoid of the idea of getting hitched, there are days the shitload of this senseless crap is enough to drive me clinically insane.

One of the most the ridiculous conversations I have had as married woman went something like this. I choose to keep this blogpost light-hearted so I shall stick to the ridiculous aspects of the senseless crap more than the serious ones.

Random Person (much younger than me) I met for the first time: “You don’t look married.”
Me: “Really? So what do married people ‘look’ like?”
RP: “You know, they look more responsible.”
Me: “You have just met me and you’re suggesting I’m irresponsible?”
RP: “No No, I am sure you are responsible work-wise, but I meant looking responsible family-wise.”

And to make matters worse, as if being married did not invite silly statements like the one above, there is this GINORMOUS expectation of producing babies – sometimes as soon a month of married life is up. No really, ma kasam, I am serious!

Here is a list of statements that have got me an “Are you in the family way?” reaction. Do you have anything to add to this list? Or am I the only unfortunate soul who gets such reactions?

  1. I’m nauseous (it could be bad food or bad ventilation…but noo)
  2. I’m really hungry (because I’m really hungry and nothing else!)
  3. I feel like eating a raw mango (because it’s yummy..duh!)
  4. I feel like eating a chocolate chip cookie (raw mango I get..what is the connection with cookies?!?!)
  5. I was unwell and took a few days off (swine flu, typhoid, malaria….but nooo)
  6. My back hurts (long hours on the comp…but nooo)
  7. My feet hurt (well they generally do)
  8. I have news to share (and no it is not “good news” :P)

And if a married woman throws up, even if she clearly states she is suffering from a gastric infection, there will still be someone who will ask her, “Are you in the family way?” 😛

YAAAAAAAAARGH! Kill me someone! Here I thought the person I was married to would drive me insane – who knew it would be everyone else instead?!?!

Mujhse Shaadi Karoge?

What an awesome way for me to get over my matrimonial fears AND be in the spotlight!

If I win this opportunity of a lifetime – all my dreams WILL come true. Ekta Kapoor will definitely give me a role in her TV serials this time, and who knows, I might even get a chance to dance on the esteemed TV show – Nach Baliye.

I shall immediately create a shaadi.com profile. I suppose Trauma Queen not-so-aptly translates to “susheelbahu rani”.

Boys with melodramatic acting/dancing skills who are also dying to be in the spotlight are most welcome to scheme with me. Of course – you will first need to create a profile on shaadi.com.

As for the tricky part of being married, hmm, that can always be ended once the media frenzy dies down. Everyone’s backs will be scratched and everyone will be happy – participants, viewers, bloggers and media conglomerates alike.

Thank you all ye conniving dot coms and TV channels – you truly teach us the meaning of ‘equitable business’ 🙂

Why I never want to marry

  1. To begin with – I hate the concept of a wedding. Of wasting a lot of money to wear uncomfortable clothes, sit in front of a fire that causes allergic reactions, chant slokas that I do not and probably never will understand. I think Arya samaj weddings are nice – but only to watch. What I really hate about weddings is feeding people you have probably said ‘hello’ to once in your entire life, who only yak and chatter and pass lousy comments throughout the wedding.
  2. I do not want to relocate to another city. And yes, MOST people relocate at some point or another – it is typically the girl (I’m saying this based on married couples I personally know). I’m happy living in this city, having grown up here, having my parents here – please do not expect me to be married to you and stay in another city. I’d rather not be married.
  3. I do not believe in ‘middle paths’ and ‘equal halves’. We all know there is always a bigger half. The bigger half typically goes to the more aggressive person in the couple, and one person is ALWAYS more aggressive and authoritative.
  4. Perhaps I’d like to be the one who gets the bigger half. What perhaps – of course I do!
  5. I do not want to come home tired and exhausted and have to cook for someone else. It is a different matter if there is someone to cook for me, but I do not like the idea of having to be that cook every now and then.
  6. I like gaypop and Le Sport. I do not like Bimbo Boy’s music. I am currently listening to ‘If Neil Tennant was my lover’
  7. Point 6 was a digression.
  8. The biggest difference between dating and marriage is that marriage brings 2 families together – which is a terribly stressful thought. Perhaps I am brainwashed by Ekta Kapoor, but I DO NOT want my life to ever be about sarees and trauma jewelry and being paraded as an exhibit by in-laws and pilgrimages and poojas and what not.
  9. I want to date others and not have people pass comments like ‘wojshooo-she is married but having dinner with some other fello’. Also, I do not want to tag along to all your friend’s parties and outings and what nots as exhibit: wife/gf/whatever. And once we marry, we have to be a ‘couple’ that does everything together. Like two stupid oxen yoked together for eternity. Yuck.
  10. I do not want I to morph into US. Ever.
  11. I want lots of babies, and I want them to be MY babies, not OURS. It’s a pity that human cloning is a big legal issue.
  12. I am not a femextremist. I am mostly selfish, and love being so.
  13. I strongly feel I was meant to be a single celled organism, mitosis and all. But guess wot, I’m not one 😛
  14. I also believe I am doing ‘man’kind a huge favour by not getting married. You can gather whatever meaning you want from that statement 🙂
  15. A divorce takes 6 months, a parting of ways takes lesser time.
  16. I don’t think ‘living in’ is any better. You still have to put up with one person and cook and clean and relocate and be an ‘us’ and go mad.
  17. Amoebae rock! They can also make pretty flowery shapes, and cause a bad stomach – hehe.
  18. And no, this aint new, I have been a great lover of singlehood for a long time now.

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The Great Indian Paradox

One of the biggest paradoxes about the Indian society is its obsession for getting people married. It’s something I have never got, and something I never will understand.

I have tried to analyse it from a researcher’s point of view, written a paper on the matrimonial as a narrative of India, gone through matrimonial ads on the net and newspaper, not cos I’m on the lookout for a prospective groom but because I am trying to understand the concept of marriages in India.

And yet, I have not got any answers to all the questions I have asked.

All our lives, us girls are protected from boys – and this is a rampant feature in India and many other Asian countries. We are told not to talk to boys, not to be too friendly with them, not to be seen going for a movie with a boy, not talk on the phone with them, to shy away from them, to beware of them, to protect your chastity from them… why?

Because the concept of a platonic relationship between a boy and girl can never exist in the Indian society… because girls are indoctrinated with the theory that “boys are bad”

And one fine day you turn 20 something, and it’s that time of your life when the people who said you would burn in fire and brimstone if you dared to look at a boy, are all of a sudden conspiring to not only find you a boy, but ensure you procreate with an ABSOLUTE STRANGER, all in the name of “marriage”

And I just don’t get it.

The sad part is, it seems that the people who created this paradox are its biggest victims. Their only consolation is that “marriage is a necessary evil”..and what pisses me off the most, is that most people have allowed themselves to succumb to this ‘necessary evil’ without so much as thinking about it. And that girls my age think that a sentence as lame as “when you get married, you will understand” is going to console me.

I’m sorry, I do not understand. I refuse to abide by a theory that is illogical, I refuse to see how it is abnormal to be seen talking to a boy all your life, but its completely normal to want to spend the rest of your life with someone on the basis of his photograph. To be a virgin all your life, but to set an auspicious date so as to lose it with someone you don’t even know.

And to make matters worse
– Scientific studies have proved that man’s lifespan increases by ten years after marriage, but women unfortunately have only four years to gain, or should I say, six years to lose?
– The wife is STILL expected to be the one to compromise on her career if her pati parmeshwar gets a transfer. Interestingly, I have never heard of a female equivalent of ‘pati parmeshwar’. I have heard of ‘sati savitri’, but alas, sati nowadays only connotes the social evil that is forced self immolation.
– a boy is PERFECT if he agrees to cook and be a house husband. But if a girl does the same thing, she’s just ‘normal’
– A line of educational degrees appended to your name is a great way of securing a worthy spouse, and a greater way of securing a good dowry.

And you expect me to believe that marriage is the “best thing” that could happen to me??????

What am I missing out here?????